101 2010

1. 2010 was so many life altering experiences for me
2. yet in so many ways I remained unchanged
3. mountains and molehills continued to be impossible to distinguish between
4. Laughter and tears became interchangeable in interchangeable countries
5. Hope and desire wrapped themselves ineffectually in fantasy
6. And I once more re-shattered my heart by losing my grip on reality

7. I travelled 360 degrees around the planet; never pausing for breath
8. which served well as a band aid
9. But I am yet to truly examine the wound.

10. I always believed strongly that fate was guiding me
11. So I now exhibit expert talents for closing my eyes too tightly
12. I began taking snapshots of the world in a hope that I may actually see
13. So that I might have something more concrete to believe in

14. I have been trying to focus my eyes, yet I am failing this task daily

15. Because all I really believe in is that I do not believe in myself

16. Despite crossing oceans
17. Despite my sea of companions
18. Despite this far too fucking fantastic life I have created for myself
19. that far exceeded my expectations

20. And it is a consequence of this that no one will ever believe in me
21. Its pitiful and exquisitely pathetic
22.but I am expert at punishing myself

23. Insecurity and self-disappointment demand a firm grip over me

24. Because although I know that I am very capable of dancing my life in tune
25. I always find ways to erase my achievements
26. Placing all my admiration in others; and leaving none left over for myself

27. I am a girl constantly fighting to satisfy others
28. I am 29 years old with a powerful desire to be independent
29. trapped inside a young girls mind screaming to be protected

30. And there is no peace for such a conflict

31. In 2010 I encountered many new faces
32. Friends, lovers and enemies alike
33. Some became all three
34. They have helped me to recognise patterns in my choreography
35. And kinks in my programming

36. I speak too honestly in the presence of strangers
37. I desire an off switch to be placed neatly inside my armour

38. I experience moods like ocean waves
39. Sometimes they imprison me with their anchors
40. Leaving me to cling desperately to affection
41. So it might fill my lungs with oxygen and allow me breath
42. 2010’s storms left the waves particularly choppy
43. I have never felt so seasick

44. So I am grateful for the days I am able to breathe for myself
45. Because I know it is then that I shine the brightest
46. No longer hidden behind deceitful shadows

47. It is during these times that i have found ways to make my life more creative
48. I have decided to learn how to sew soft toys
49. I have never stopped using words to make ugly events beautiful

50.I am unable to sit still. I am restless. And I enjoy this.
51. I have recently made sure that my spare time is spent appreciating my existence
52. by exploring nearby beaches so I might swim in their oceans and reach the waves
53. taking train rides through tree canopies and drives through deserts
54. I have made it a point to never forget how far my feet have travelled, and to make sure they keep walking
55. And I have rediscovered how to take nothing for granted

56.I am often too intense for those around me
57. Too many thoughts cloud my judgements
58. I find it impossible to keep opinions to myself
59. Even though this often leaves me no favours

60. Apathetic people call me negative; but I’ve always known they are wrong and detested the connotations
61. I am just highly perceptive of too many things all at once
62. But I have an optimistic solution to every problem
63. Which is why I am so good at my job

64. I love being a social worker and was once told it was important that’s where I ended up
65. I never expected to change my path
66. I got a job working with the homeless without even realising it was what I had applied for
67. Even during the interview
68. I have recently realised that for now it is where I belong
69.and once more life has guided me to a place I never expected

70. I have a visa to remain in Australia until 2012
71. It concerns me that I left my life in England so effortlessly
72. But in all honesty I find it difficult to imagine returning
73. (Despite being overwhelmed by the strength of love for me that still remains there)
74. Because I am very disengaged from other peoples feelings when they concern me
75. When truly focused I can switch off this emotion with the flick of a switch
76. I have always had to; it is a survival tactic that both pleases and saddens me
77. running away was never really a conscious decision though
78. but Australia is a comfortable space to curl up inside of
79. And I see no reason not to remain where I am safe and warm

80. I finally have my own apartment again which I’m proud of and makes me smile
81. I always believed living with others never worked out for me; but have recently rectified this opinion when my best friend lived with me for a month and still loved me when she left.

82. The problems can often lie with others and not with myself
83. And I am trying hard to believe that instead of finding the statement repulsive, arrogant and unfeasible

84..My sense of identity is fiercely important to me
85. Despite judging myself on it on a daily basis

86. I am afraid to enjoy who I am
87. Because it feels like so many people have criticised me for it
88. When really it has only been a select few. And myself.

89. I have discounted all the others who constantly tell me I am amazing
90. I mistake their frustration with my refusal to hear them, as judgement for who I am
91. Which is horribly messed up
92. And surprisingly difficult to shift
93. Because although I see no reason why I would be seen as anything other than a person worth knowing
94. Something inside me I do not understand will always disagree
95. Tell me I’m crazy until it becomes true
96. And repeat this god awful cycle that keeps hitting repeat

97. 2011 will in many ways not change any of the 97 lines I have written to try to explain the ways I exist

98. Molehills will still be mountains; laughter & tears will still control me; I will continue to wrap myself up in fantasies about happily ever after
99, and I will always be designed to self destruct when approaching ultimate happiness

100. But I am finally accepting that this is not just the way I am, but who I am. And the only person who still has a problem with this is me.

101. And for 2011. that’s worth remembering.

101 2009; 101 ways to believe in something

1.my head is full of sentences
2.they need injecting with words I can't find
3.I am in a world where believing means everything

4.I am single-handedly experiencing
5.the most important and inconstant time in my life
6.that I created by believing it was possible
7.I have no home to call my own
8.I wander from town to town
9.with a freedom known by few
10.(yet still I insist on clinging desperately to my insecurities)
11.(still I continue to believe in everything but myself)

12.I spent my 28th birthday in the middle of the Australian outback
13.lost and alone and smirking at the irony
14.when a new decade unfolded I found myself in Sydney
15.watching the Harbour Bridge explode with lights
16.puzzled how my decade could really begin
17.11 hours before my friends back home

18.I am unsure how I am growing
19.I don't that feel I am changing
20.but I am learning aspects of myself I would rather ignore
21.I wish I was more laid-back
22.I am obsessed with being on time
23.I cannot remove clouds of negativity in acres of blue sky
24.however hard I blow at the wind

25.in 2008 I let go of my romantic fascination with falling in love
26.I was strong and independent alone
27.but I know what I want now
28.and I still look for a boy who can live in his dreams
29.(with no need to expel mine)
30.who is waiting as impatiently to meet me
31.as I am to meet him
32.if only the universe would hint of the direction we must walk
33.to find each other

34.but I'll walk on my own for now
35.I try to share the tightrope
36.but people make me restless
37.I think it's because they fit somehow
38.where I don't
39.i'm envious of this too often
40.and this is an uncomfortable place to be

41.a long time ago I used to scratch my skin real hard
42.just to make them go away
43.but mostly now I just run away
44.and start again
45.with people who don't yet know my nature

46.it' s all about learning the art of smiling
47.and believing in the impossible
48.hard enough
49.to make it a reality
50.like I made this a reality

51.I am still unsure why my path has led me here
52.and sometimes I have to close my eyes real tight to believe its real
53.when I open them I still see beautiful beaches stretching for miles
54.sun drenched skies melting with colour
55.I have seen the sun rise and set over the ocean
56.I have danced in the sand at midnight with new friends and boxes of wine
57.singing “tiny dancer” at the top of our voices
58.I have allowed boys with dreadlocks to enchant me
59.and irish ones to fool me
60.I have swum in water holes perfected by nature
61.I am writing this in the spot where they film my favourite childhood tv show
62.surreal realities are hard to digest

63.I am living in a bubble
64.I am trying hard to not let it pop
65.I am only 5 months into my journey
66.and I am excited that time is creeping slowly
67.yet despite this, I am apprehensive about 2010
68.I have no sense of what direction I should be going
69.I haven't yet painted a blank canvas

70.2009 shook my world and emptied out it's pieces
71.the consequences of this are still uncertain
72.I know there are memories I need to let go of
73.a crooked toothed boy I am still not ready to forget
74.(despite his death being 6 years gone)
75.I know unless I stop talking to his memory at 3am
76.I will never move on
77.I know I must stop chasing my tail falling for boys as lost as he was
78.or I will be forever pushing the rest away

79.I hope 2010 changes this

80.hope is underrated by me too often
81.i'm trying hard not to let it slip through my hands
82.I am going to become more conscious of hope
83.and stop telling everyone I will never find someone
84.and believe it

85.I'll stop telling boys they don't want me
86.because it makes them believe this too

87.I must accept that I am never going to be like others

88.I am most definitely at a crossroads right now
89.all the paths lay paved with temptations
90.I am considering emigrating to Australia permanently
92.I have left my heart in Darwin and I need to get it back
92.I do not miss the UK, despite it being coated in snow
93.I wish I could be a nomad
94.and travel the world until I am done

95.I no longer miss material belongings
96.(although I desperately miss British comedy)
97.I enjoy fitting my life inside a rucksack

98. I am the most self obsessed person i know
99.and this terrifies me

100.but this girl can only carry on hoping
101.hoping to be someone who believes

For This Dear Boy (I Thank You)

Dear ?,
you were the boy
who showed me i was worth more
than the writing on the wall
i was 15
and you were the first boy
to hold my hand
and mean it
the first to stick around
and love me more than i deserved
((you gave me faith))
and for this dear boy
i thank you

xxxxxxx

Dear ?,
my first fantasy
that came true
my first crush
who crushed me
i used to pray every night
for 3 months
that you would take me
(i managed to crumble a boy
with the intensity of
my addiction to your smile)
and you took me
and held me
and danced me in circles
and showed me the meaning
behind a broken heart
((you showed me agony
- in every shade))
and for this dear boy
i thank you

xxxxxxxxxx

Dear ?,
i shudder to think
of more words to describe you
than i have already bled
you were my life
and my inspiration
you were my beach at 3am
and my tears at 5
you were the laughter in my smile
and the humiliation in my kiss
i handed you the world
and you stamped on my reasons
but boy
you loved me with a life
all of your own
and you saw in my eyes
what no one else ever could
you believed in me
more than any other
((and you broke every bone in my body))
you were my black and white
my rich and poor
my happy and sad
(my favourite contradiction)
you were my first love
My sole
soul mate
but you abandoned me
when you abandoned life
(and left me for a world
i'll never comprehend)
and for that dear boy
i will never thank you

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear ?,
i have few words for you
as i am still a little bitter
of the life you led alongside me
(while you craved her curves
instead of mine)
but regardless of this
and the way you told me
i would never inspire you
the way i should
we all know you gave me more
than the previous three
rolled together
because boy you loved me
through all your denial
and you held my hand
for 3 years longer
than anyone before
i grew because you nourished me
and you changed me in more ways
than i will ever thank you for
we were stable
and balanced
and comfortable
yet we were never promised a forever
because i craved a passion
you never felt
and this made me drown
in too many insecurities
for any of us to handle
((but you gave me stability
when my world was unstable))
and for this dear boy
i thank you

xxxxxxxxxxx

Dear ?,
how to tell you boy
who back then knew me so little
the trials that brought me
to lie beside you
and clutch your hand so tightly
you made me explode
in ways i could never recall
and my smile was wider
when you were near me
but you were a boy
and i was a girl
who's stars collided at times
that never coincided
i would hold you
and kiss you
and I would promise you the world
((because you gave me butterflies
when you smiled))
but you dear boy
were part of the question mark
in my future
there was an ending to our story
because I decided
it should never begin
((but you gave me excitement
at a time
when i have never
needed it more))
and for this dear boy
i thank you

xxxxx

Dear ?
You came to me out of nowhere
When I was lost and in need
Of something
You brought me smiles
And laughter
And sunshine
When my skies were stormy
You drove me damn near crazy
For reasons i never explained
but there was always a wall
Unable to be broken
Standing strong between us
(our hearts belonged to others)
but you were the glue
that helped restore the pieces
that were shattering around me
So for this dear boy,
I thank you

xxxxxxxx

Dear ?,
you were one
In a line of mistakes
I continued to repeat
(but I mention you, not them
Because you changed this)
When we met
I believed your feelings
To be stronger
You grew bored easily
I was never going to be enough
I don’t know why I fought so hard
To keep something so empty
It tore new holes
I did not need to create
But you taught me to be cautious
& look deeper than the surface
You helped me to understand
What it was I truly wanted
By illustrating so perfectly
Exactly what it was i did not
You gave me alarm bells
That needed to be rung
(despite the consequences being
A long pause to this story)

but for this dear boy
For now
I thank you

(last of all)

xxxxxxxxxxxx