For This Dear Boy (I Thank You)

Dear ?,
you were the boy
who showed me i was worth more
than the writing on the wall
i was 15
and you were the first boy
to hold my hand
and mean it
the first to stick around
and love me more than i deserved
((you gave me faith))
and for this dear boy
i thank you

xxxxxxx

Dear ?,
my first fantasy
that came true
my first crush
who crushed me
i used to pray every night
for 3 months
that you would take me
(i managed to crumble a boy
with the intensity of
my addiction to your smile)
and you took me
and held me
and danced me in circles
and showed me the meaning
behind a broken heart
((you showed me agony
- in every shade))
and for this dear boy
i thank you

xxxxxxxxxx

Dear ?,
i shudder to think
of more words to describe you
than i have already bled
you were my life
and my inspiration
you were my beach at 3am
and my tears at 5
you were the laughter in my smile
and the humiliation in my kiss
i handed you the world
and you stamped on my reasons
but boy
you loved me with a life
all of your own
and you saw in my eyes
what no one else ever could
you believed in me
more than any other
((and you broke every bone in my body))
you were my black and white
my rich and poor
my happy and sad
(my favourite contradiction)
you were my first love
My sole
soul mate
but you abandoned me
when you abandoned life
(and left me for a world
i'll never comprehend)
and for that dear boy
i will never thank you

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear ?,
i have few words for you
as i am still a little bitter
of the life you led alongside me
(while you craved her curves
instead of mine)
but regardless of this
and the way you told me
i would never inspire you
the way i should
we all know you gave me more
than the previous three
rolled together
because boy you loved me
through all your denial
and you held my hand
for 3 years longer
than anyone before
i grew because you nourished me
and you changed me in more ways
than i will ever thank you for
we were stable
and balanced
and comfortable
yet we were never promised a forever
because i craved a passion
you never felt
and this made me drown
in too many insecurities
for any of us to handle
((but you gave me stability
when my world was unstable))
and for this dear boy
i thank you

xxxxxxxxxxx

Dear ?,
how to tell you boy
who back then knew me so little
the trials that brought me
to lie beside you
and clutch your hand so tightly
you made me explode
in ways i could never recall
and my smile was wider
when you were near me
but you were a boy
and i was a girl
who's stars collided at times
that never coincided
i would hold you
and kiss you
and I would promise you the world
((because you gave me butterflies
when you smiled))
but you dear boy
were part of the question mark
in my future
there was an ending to our story
because I decided
it should never begin
((but you gave me excitement
at a time
when i have never
needed it more))
and for this dear boy
i thank you

xxxxx

Dear ?
You came to me out of nowhere
When I was lost and in need
Of something
You brought me smiles
And laughter
And sunshine
When my skies were stormy
You drove me damn near crazy
For reasons i never explained
but there was always a wall
Unable to be broken
Standing strong between us
(our hearts belonged to others)
but you were the glue
that helped restore the pieces
that were shattering around me
So for this dear boy,
I thank you

xxxxxxxx

Dear ?,
you were one
In a line of mistakes
I continued to repeat
(but I mention you, not them
Because you changed this)
When we met
I believed your feelings
To be stronger
You grew bored easily
I was never going to be enough
I don’t know why I fought so hard
To keep something so empty
It tore new holes
I did not need to create
But you taught me to be cautious
& look deeper than the surface
You helped me to understand
What it was I truly wanted
By illustrating so perfectly
Exactly what it was i did not
You gave me alarm bells
That needed to be rung
(despite the consequences being
A long pause to this story)

but for this dear boy
For now
I thank you

(last of all)

xxxxxxxxxxxx